Today is July 18th…Below is what  I wrote a week ago. The messages I have received have been encouraging and sweet. The emails, text messages and phone calls have hit their mark. Some have touched my heart others have made me laugh none have been ignored. I didn’t return a lot of calls. I don’t think I returned any. I didn’t really want to talk about it again, again, again…which flies in the face of my mission. I need to fix that part of my plan…”Operation Talk About It Now” or OTAIN.

here we go:

Today is July 11th, 2014. Three months ago I was diagnosed with cancer. What seemed to be a pretty “cut and dry” situation has turned out to be far from it. The more information I gathered the more complicated it became. There is no “cancer concierge”. There isn’t someone who says, “Based on your situation here is what we recommend as the very best solution”.  There is no blame to place. There are no two patients exactly alike. Trying to collect information on a healthy forty-six year old prostate cancer patient is virtually impossible.

I have been surrounded by doctors who say, “…here is what I can do, I am very good at what I do and I am confident that based on my skills I can help you”. All of my guys have also said that I should do what I feel is best for me. Whether I stay here or go there. They share information and I do believe, scratch that…I know they were and are honest and sincere in every way and word. 

I have dealt with an academic institution that provided a great experience and clear communication. UAB scheduled and performed an MRI that provided information that I did not get from the private group. The private group where Eric is, collected all the information they needed to make a diagnosis. Eric Brewer is my guy. He made this crappy thing okay. He was the right guy for David Surber. Both medical facilities offered good experiences.…just different. Both offer the same solution…remove the prostate and cancer, save the nerve, go from there. If there is any cancer remaining then move to radiation. All the numbers collected through the PSA and the biopsy indicate that it is early and almost certainly contained…the MRI indicates otherwise.

Sunday, April 13, 2014: Michelle and I came back from looking at a house or “the house” as it became known, and we are discussing the best course of action to tell the kids. I vote individually and she votes as a family. My cancer trumps her vote. All the kids are home and Devin is in the living room. Michelle heads through the kitchen to check on Dylan and Parker. I don’t remember the details of who was where and standing or sitting. Here is a summary of what I said, “Devin, I am going to live a long time. I am going to be fine. We are all going to be fine…I have prostate cancer everything is going to be okay. I am going to have surgery so they can get the cancer out of me. We got it early. I will be on the couch for a few weeks and then we’ll get back to normal…”. Devin looks at me…calm..cool. “Do you have any questions?”, I ask. She shakes her head. I let her know I have to tell the others and ask her to get Dylan for me. I’m thinking, “That was easy…this is gonna be a breeze…I am a master communicator”…..right.

She walks out of one side of the room and Michelle comes in the other side. “I just told Devin.” I said. Michelle asks, “What’d she say?” I told Michelle that Devin was calm and stoic and would probably be processing it for a little bit…just like I would. No surprise there. She is my daughter..She’s my mini me…but pretty.

In comes Dylan. “Hey Dylbuggy, I have some news to share with you.” Michelle is with me this time. I tell her I have “man-cancer” and that I’m going to be fine. We got it early…don’t worry and I’m gonna be fine…all the stuff Dylan needs to hear. I reassure Dylan more than Devin that I’m okay and this will not kill me. Dylan needed to hear this differently than Devin. They’re wired differently. I kept my body language open to her and eyebrows “up”. Michelle added some more details. She explained the doctor visits and tests. I asked her if she was okay and she nodded with her big beautiful smile. She stood up and leaned down and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. As she walks around the corner to go upstairs Michelle and I look at each other with a “I think that went well kinda sorta” look on our face.

Next is Parker. Parker heard me say, “man-cancer” and darted off to his room. “Doot”,  Michelle’s Grandfather died from cancer a few years ago and the word “cancer” was not new to our family. Parker Finley Wells Surber was named after his Great Grandfather Wells. Parker was born shortly before Doot passed away. The girls knew Doot and how special he was to Michelle. Michelle brings Parker back into the room. He was in his room with the door shut and he was obviously a little scared by what he heard. His conversation was obviously very different from the girls. We had to simplify it and minimize it. I asked him if he heard me say, “man-cancer” and he shook his head. I said, “It’s okay if you heard it Parker…did you hear me say it?”. He nodded that he did hear me. After we reassured him that I was going to be okay and I would be home for a couple of weeks he gave me the sweetest hug a stinky little sweaty eight year kid could give. His hug was a little longer and a little tighter than usual. He likes hugging Michelle…me, not so much. I have to make him hug me and steal a kiss from him….not today. The next few weeks Parker hugged me a little more and snuggled me a little bit more. He’s such a sweet kid.

Michelle and I talked for a bit and she set off to check on the girls. Devin was fine..probably still processing. Dylan wasn’t doing so well. After we told her she walked out smiling and fine…or so it seemed. She was in her room crying. Michelle consoled her. I let Michelle handle that. 

It was a difficult few hours and now cancer was officially a member of the family. Michelle was brave. Knowing her kids were hurting was hurting her. This isn’t my cancer. This is our cancer. She has it too. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Just because we’re not talking about it doesn’t mean it’s not around or in one of our heads at all times. This changes “things”. Not good, not bad…just different. 

The beginning of May offers me my annual sojourn to Destin, Florida. The “Destin Open” takes place every spring near the sugar white beaches and clear blue waters of Florida’s panhandle. Approximately forty guys who either went to a Farragut High School, The University of Tennessee or both. Sprinkle in some greek affiliations, do the math of twenty to thirty years of friendships wrap that around three or four golf courses and a few more rounds of golf and you have “The 18th Annual Destin Open”. This year was my third year to attend and first year to play a round. My friend Andy Watts needed to get back to Los Angeles to attend a “Daddy-Daughter Dance”. I stepped in his spot so he could get back home. I believe my score after nine holes was closer to his score after eighteen. I don’t play for the numbers. In fact I spend less money per swing than most. That’s value right there. It was five days with guys I have known longer than anyone and some new bonds were forged as well. It is quite an impressive group of men and their friendships are relationships and it is clear to see if you take a moment to watch them interact. They bounce back and forth from conversation to conversation. They laugh loud and talk smack. They have turned a public chiding into a poetic art form. It’s beautiful. To these men I say, “Thanks for letting me in your fold once a year”. This year had much more meaning. As I mentioned, there were some guys on this trip that I have known as far back as five years old. This again was a time to tell some special life long friends of my news. First up…Fred Baker. The original “best friend”. I met Freddy when I moved to Village Green subdivision in 1973. We did everything together and he is still a great friend today. Next was the Watts boys, John and Andy. Frazier is with me the whole time and because he was with me through out this journey he aided me in the timeline. Finally the Village Green guys and of course…whoever walked into the conversation. Nothing like banging people over the head with crappy news. I imagine the libations helped my cause.

Quick summary to get current:

1. Easter Sunday, a great day to celebrate…We decided to make an offer on a new house as well. There’s really nothing else going on…why not?

2. Baseball, Parker’s team ended up second for the playoffs. A first round bye and a second round loss ended the season. The tie-breaker put us in second place. The A’s were holding down fourth place all season.

3. Devin Asher Elizabeth Surber graduates from high school. Next up, Auburn University.

4. Schedule and receive a second opinion with UAB. We review the MRI and learn the cancer is “on top”. The MRI indicates that once my prostate is removed that we will learn that my Gleason score is actually higher. The biopsy takes samples from the bottom…pun intended.

 

4. Camp SAM: I head down to Children’s Harbor in Alexander City for the Camp Smile- A-Mile board meeting and to spend the evening with the campers. Camp SAM offers a week of camp at no expense to these children who are battling cancer. Doctors and nurses as well as many others donate their time to care for these kids so they can go to camp. It is a time where they are normal together. It puts things in perspective for me. Inspiring and heartbreaking all at the same time.

5. contract accepted and house finished and purchased and moved in…. kinda

6. July 4th 

The decision to not be consumed by “googling” my health issue makes sense at first. There is a lot of dated information and misinformation on every topic imaginable…particularly health. It is important to understand that once I posted this blog to Facebook that a lot of new information came to me. Doors that I had closed, opened up again. I had conversations with friends who had battled and are battling cancer…..aggressive, nasty, life changing, life threatening cancer. Cancer sucks. No doubt about it. Nobody wants it, but I can name several folks who would trade theirs for mine. While cancer infects a person it affects many many more. 

Cancer sucks.  I was a little happier being naive. I was okay with thinking that when we remove my prostate I can get back to life. I’m not consumed by my cancer. I don’t dwell on it. But when I’m alone….driving…walking…thinking..I think. Damn! I have cancer.  Me and cancer are rolling down the road. Cancer and I are having coffee. “Hey cancer…pass the salt”…Me and cancer are having lunch. I know now that we did get it early. But I could have “gotten it” earlier. But I didn’t. I put it off. Because of the doors that opened late in the game I don’t know…right now…if it would have or could have a better outcome. I will know in a couple of weeks. I will be in Knoxville for a few more tests and I will have a clearer picture. On August 4th I will be back in Knoxville for a month. I will be going home to get this fixed. I will keep my prostate. Every option is a gamble. Let’s hope I get this one right. 

If you are joining the party late you can start here. Beneath each post, which I numbered is a link to the next post. Additionally, there is a “follow” link on the top left of the web page. 

Thanks for reading.