Tuesday, January 28, 2014 8:30am (CST) : What a day. I get to the doctor’s office a little early and I have completed my paperwork complete with insurance card and paid my money. I wait for a few minutes. I go back and meet with Eric. I have blood drawn. I have my second Digital Rectal Examination in my whole life which covers one week and approximately one hour. Two different men with two different approaches but more importantly they both got it done in mid sentence and before I could prepare myself. 

This is one swift motion for these guys. Here it is in slow motion; snap of the glove, lube, ass-punch, glove off (while stepping on the industrial waste can pedal to open and close the lid), latex glove squeals as it is swiftly removed from the master’s hand and deposited in said waste can, all while talking to me. I don’t know what he said. The only warning that I had; was hearing his voice oscillate and then roll toward me as he readied himself and the rumble of the wheels of the stool. I don’t think those wheels stopped. One big scoot. I only know this part of our visit is over, because he sprang up handed me some tissues like a gentleman and began to wash his hands.

DRE, twice in one week….accounting for a total time of one-second. This one-second of my life is what has truly been the source of my procrastination. ONE-SECOND! The relief of knowing that I have faced this “fear” twice in one week filled me with pride. Not the pride many of us have that prevents us from going to the doctor and having an honest conversation…not the stupid pride. The good pride.

The only thing I can imagine worse than being on the index finger end of a DRE is being on the wrist side of the DRE. I tended bar for nine years and I bet I never dealt with as many assholes as these guys have. This is what they do though. A thankless job if everything checks out okay. Both Doctors said that my prostate feels normal. How they had time to tell I will never understand and let that be the magic of medicine. I’m thinking to myself, “couldn’t you have just taken his word for it?” But I digress.

I guess if they don’t jam their finger everything is okay. This is the crazy stuff I think in my head. What comes out of my mouth has been called, “High risk, High reward” humor. Sometimes it is “way out there”. I see things at slightly twisted angles. Sometimes I say it, sometimes I don’t. If you see me grinning…I didn’t say it.

We talk a little bit about the this and the that of what is going on and he does not let me get too far down the road. He is kind and direct and keeps me reeled in. He is protecting me from me. We all need that sometimes…to be saved from ourselves.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014 9:45am-10:30am (CST): Back to Dr. Rascal’s. It is snowing in Alabama. This is clearly a good sign. It never snows…like, really snows in Alabama…I drive back down the mountain to my office for about forty-five minutes because it is so close and I have time. I make my way back up the mountain and note that this little snow thingy is sticking to my car and the road. It hit Birmingham after rush hour. It will be gone when I get finished. I am sitting in the very slick waiting room at 10:35 when I realize I have no idea why I am here. “Man, it is REALLY coming down now…I wonder if anything will become of this?”

I’m finally called back in this modern facility complete with dark concrete walls and floors and tall black open ceilings. It is loud back here. His staff is getting nervous because of the weather. You can hear every word. They are and should be distracted but they are all pressing on taking care of business. Doc arrives, “So what brings you in?” I said, “I have no idea”. I bring him up to speed and we realize I needed to come back after my second blood test comes back with my normal PSA levels so we can treat my low testosterone.

I hit the door and the snow has not let up. It has actually increased. It looks like Colorado. I am kinda excited because my car loves snow…I think. It never snows in Alabama…BUT! I have 4WD and I want to need it so I can use it. If things get really bad I will just cruise by all of the people who have wisely pulled their pick-ups and SUV’s over to the side of the road before they went home to turn on their gas fireplaces and microwave their homemade hot chocolate. The incredible luck! I am a half mile from my son’s school…I’m going to get him. I will avoid the parents who are sliding all over carpool and park on a side road and walk up and get him…I’m so smart. As my son and I head back to my car I am perplexed as to why there is not a single car at the school. I’m quickly distracted by another parent struggling with her car. I help her park it on the side of the road and offer to drive her and her daughter home. She explained she was close enough to walk but I persuade her to get in the car. She relents. She will come back and get it in a couple of hours. The absence of cars at the school further excites me of my good fortune to have an all terrain vehicle. I will drop her off and be home in thirty minutes adding ten minutes for inclement weather. This could be fun.

After I drop her off, I head back down the mountain. Huh? There is no way out. There are cars everywhere. I am witnessing the genesis of “SNOWPOCALYPSE 2014”. I will spare you the smallest details. The cell towers are full. No voice calls. Only text messages are working. The text messaging allowed me to coordinate the retrieval of my oldest child. Total carnage. I live in Vestavia HILLS. Yes Hills. There are ten different ways to get home…Which way has the smallest incline/decline? I am Magellan. I know the way.

One in the back seat CHECK!….One young seven year old little boy trapped in the back of the car…He watched his snow day through a foggy window. He was miserable and mad that he wasn’t playing in the snow. He would jump out and make snow balls as we crawled to our destination. My wife is at home. CHECK! My freshman daughter escaped the high school and managed to actually get stranded further away from home than the school…that’s what I would have done…I get it. “kinda” CHECK! She is safe and accounted for. My oldest daughter talked her way out of school and we have a rendezvous point. She and her boyfriend walked about two miles to a place where I could scoop them up and take them back to our house. DONE! After pushing cars out of the way (in dress shoes) and taking a detour through someone’s yard. We made it….three hours and forty-five minutes later.

There were many heroes during this ordeal. I saw so many acts of kindness and read about many more. My decaying faith in humanity is restored. Some of those kids and teachers I saw as I picked up my first-grader spent the night. Although none of us knew at that time what was about to happen, I wish I could have grabbed couple of them.

What does this have to do with your freaking prostate? Well, due to an unnecessary scheduled visit with my doctor who is less than a mile away from my son’s school…my son got home….granted he probably would have had a ball at school with his pals

Hwy 280 looking at the Birmingham, AL Snowpocalypse 2014

…my wife would have flipped out. There was no way I could have gotten up and back down that mountain and made it home. No way, I couldn’t have made it in a Humvee. It was total carnage. I would have walked. I would have walked and walked. We would have gotten somewhere. It would have been a treacherous excursion with plenty of risk. Luck? I choose to think otherwise.

Michelle still doesn’t know a thing.